Down to 105 pounds:/ fuuuck

If my care team knew about this…. they would absolutely flip shit. I haven’t been weighed for a while & I’m terrified to think what would happen if they saw this low of a number :(

I’ve been trying lately but to no avail. I stick with safe food, small portions :/ back to 1 meal a day and breakfast if I can manage it… I’m debating eating yogurt & granola right now.

I feel conflicted by recovery. I want it but I can’t have it. I try but I lose. I think my body just LIKES to be this small. My brain seems to enjoy the torture. The worst part, no one knows my suffering.

The voice has been awful, mean, bad lately. I can’t do anything right, I have no friends, no social life, I eat too much and don’t work out enough.
I don’t have friends or a social life BECAUSE of my ED. That’s the most frustrating part. It’s hard to find friends who will put up with this madness, and I definitely don’t blame people for avoiding me.

My stomach is so sunken in, my hip bones are starting to peak through in a sharp way. I hate it, but I love my emaciated body. I look beautiful when I’m only the bones.

I’m going to make something for breakfast. I will do it.